what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
