it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
