if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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