there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
