The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm sobbing to NWA
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
