I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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