why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
