proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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