I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
