is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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