The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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