If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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