I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
