I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
