Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
