I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
