I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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