Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
