I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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