Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i came on her dog
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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