I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
