I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
