Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize