my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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