dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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