Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
