I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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