I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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