You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
