They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
