i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
