I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
