Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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