So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
