sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
