don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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