so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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