I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Will you blow on my dice?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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