if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
