I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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