Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
