Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
