Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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