i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
