I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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