Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
