Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
