I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize