Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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