I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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