I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
