Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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