If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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