Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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