can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I faked an abortion last night.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
