oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
