FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
