I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize