Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
