my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
