Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize