I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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