when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
bring money and cleavage
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
