I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
