He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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