party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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