Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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