Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
