Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
