My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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