i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
third nipple confirmed
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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